Battling Loneliness & Heaviness

No one ever told me that motherhood was a battle against loneliness & heaviness every day. No one ever told me that I would have to battle sleepiness in order to spend time with Jehovah each day and that would lose that battle nearly every time. No one ever told me that I would be willing to sacrifice my happiness for my little someone's sake. Lord, I can't do this without You. I don't want to do this without You. I miss You terribly...

People of Onething

So, we say it all the time... I want to be a person of One Thing...just like David. But what does that really mean? What does that really look like? Tamara and I were talking today about this very topic and frankly my flesh is scared of living this lifestyle. My heart longs for it but how do I tame my flesh? My heart says, "give until it hurts" (like Jesus commands in the Sermon on the Mount) but my flesh says, "but how will I pay my bills & feed my family"...so I pay my bills, buy groceries and wonder why I never have enough left over to give. My heart says, "die to self" but my flesh says, "then who will take care of your needs? who will put food on the table? don't you have the right to the things you want/need?"...so I focus on my own provision and wonder why I never have enough. My heart says, "serve others" but my flesh says, "what about my needs?"...so I do Children's Ministry but resent in my heart that I can't attend service b/c of my son's needs. My heart says, "fast, pray, and, read the Word, and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord in His temple" but my flesh says, "how do I possibly have time for all of these things when I have laundry, cleaning, dishes, errands, phone calls, .... to do? how do I fast when I have a baby to feed? It's just too much hassle."...so I continue to not start off my day in prayer and God-gazing and yet I wonder why I seem to never get enough done? Frankly, from what I'm seeing in my own words/thoughts is a need for an attitude adjustment. Jesus never said that the Kingdom of Heaven was all about me...actually it's all about Him. So, why then am I so focused on my own little world/kingdom? (As MercyMe puts it, "How can I further Your Kingdom when I'm so wrapped up in mine?") I want to be focused on what is on God's heart. I want to pursue the Kingdom. I want to focus on others, not myself. How do I put these desires into action? What does it look like to be a person of One Thing? How do I live this life? Is it living by the Voice of God? If so, how do I know who I'm hearing? Yes, I know Kirk would say "Practice" but that involves making mistakes...am I ready to accept those consequences, especially how they effect my family? Sometimes I just feel lost in the woods in a thick fog...no idea where I'm supposed to go and how I'm supposed to get there. ::sigh:: Any ideas?...

Time flies

I can't believe I haven't written since August! It feels like everything is just flying by and I can't grasp onto anything. I don't have time to get anything done besides caring for Aiden. I'm lucky if I get a shower! I don't know how people do it. I really don't. I'm hoping it gets easier... at least slightly so I'm not living in a disaster zone. I realize now how much I could have gotten done in the last 9 months before baby came. It's been a real eye-opener to how lazy I've been. Now that I want to remedy that I feel like I can't. I know there's a way though. I'll figure it out sooner or later. I've been feeling sorry for myself too much too. I really want to be back in the prayer room and doing the 6am set and Friday nights. I miss singing and I miss the prayer room. I can't figure out what this is all going to look like for me and I feel quite far from the Lord at present. I try to pray at home and it feels foreign and empty. I don't know what I need but I do know it involves encounter with God that's deep. This time is definitely not what I thought it would be. I love my son and I wouldn't trade motherhood for the world but I definitely wasn't prepared for the spiritual emptiness and emotional drain that I've been experiencing daily. God, my God, I cry out...your beloved needs You now...

THE Shulamite

2 I sleep, but my heart is awake;
It is the voice of my beloved!
He knocks, saying,

“ Open for me, my sister, my love,
My dove, my perfect one;
For my head is covered with dew,
My locks with the drops of the night.”
3 I have taken off my robe;
How can I put it on again?
I have washed my feet;
How can I defile them?
4 My beloved put his hand
By the latch of the door,
And my heart yearned for him.
5 I arose to open for my beloved,
And my hands dripped with myrrh,
My fingers with liquid myrrh,
On the handles of the lock.
6 I opened for my beloved,
But my beloved had turned away and was gone.
My heart leaped up when he spoke.
I sought him, but I could not find him;
I called him, but he gave me no answer.
7 The watchmen who went about the city found me.
They struck me, they wounded me;
The keepers of the walls
Took my veil away from me.
8 I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
If you find my beloved,
That you tell him I am lovesick!

It's been a long time...

It's been quite a long time since I posted last. I got so out of habit in the spring that it was hard to get back into the groove...plus I think it's harder to blog during dry, desert times...which is most of what the last several months have been for me. It's been really hard to be in the prayer room for months...just dry times where I don't feel I'm even touching the heart of God nor hearing from Him. Some days & weeks were worse than others but I think the hardest thing is just how long the desert time lasted. I am glad to be on the other side of it now. I know God did much in me during that time though I think I'm still figuring out what it all was. I'm just glad He is finally speaking to me again! It actually surprised me at first...I guess I got too accustomed to the silence. Now I can't get enough. I just don't ever want Him to stop speaking! I'm a little nervous though b/c He's been giving me lots of clues about an upcoming transition time for us...a time that begins after the baby comes until at least the first of the year. There are tons of changes ahead and it seems that our lives will not look the same, and I'm not just talking about the fact that we will be parents. God has been telling me that many of the old things that are hanging on will be cut off. I think things like Danny's thesis, our debt, his job, and my role in youth group are in that mix. I know He's going to do new things with my business and change my understanding of what Children's Ministry will look like. I am hoping that He will be tangible through all of this. I don't want to go through this without Him there. So, I'm hoping it won't be another wilderness time, though if He romances me there I know it'll be okay. ;o) I'm excited and nervous about what the near future holds for us.

My Heart is Full

It's hard to get back into the habit of blogging when I haven't done any in a month and a half!

My heart is so full and wants to speak yet I cannot seem to put into words all that I'm feeling. The Lord has been teaching me so much. As I went through the Divine Experiment I didn't really think anything was changing in me or that big things were happening. Now that it's over I am starting to see the fruit of it in my life. It's amazing! My appetite has changed. Monte shared that he began to look up "delight" because the psalmist often says to delight yourself in the Lord. He came up with this revelation: The Lord must be my most exquisite pleasure, the delicacy that my palate craves. I'm so there...that's what I want and I'm getting a small taste...but oh is it sweet! I kept asking the Lord during the fast to clean out His temple, get rid of all my idols, violently extract the world from my heart...and He's doing it! I have no desire to shop, it actually bores me to some extent. I'm not worrying about money (though I have had to repeat over and over again "Lord, I trust You. Your ways are not my ways.") but focusing on understanding giving in the Word. I'm learning to be still too. The hardest thing about learning stillness is to find the balance between stillness and idleness. I'm hoping I can keep from re-addicting myself to the Internet though. That's going to be rough...at least looking at the screen to long still makes me nauseous and gives me a headache! yeah! :o) He's tenderizing my heart and I'm loving it! His Presence was so sweet this morning...but I also have a hunch that He's luring me into the wilderness again. I want to get to the point where I seek out the wilderness like the Shulammite in SOS 7:11 or David in Psalm 55:6-7 or Israel in Jer. 31:2 (Message: "They found grace out in the desert, these people who survived the killing. Israel, out looking for a place to rest, met God out looking for them!") Where I long to meet the Lord there. I still have a little fear of it but I know coming out the other side will be glorious! (Who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her lover?)

Twins?

I think I might just go crazy if I have to wait until I go into labor to determine whether I am having twins or not. My intuition says that I am. I think God told me I am but unfortunately those beautiful moments don't last in my heart as long as I wish them to. Oh, that I would not doubt and be able to ponder these things in my heart as Mary! We had an ultrasound today and there was one baby and a good heartbeat. I am only 7 weeks. Please pray for this pregnancy that it goes to term with healthy, viable, 7 lb babies. God gave me this verse after I lost Sean and I immediately understood it to mean twins...plus there are some other amazingly redemptive meanings behind me having twins...here is the verse: Zechariah 9:12 Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you. (NIV) Return to the stronghold [of security and prosperity], you prisoners of hope; even today do I declare that I will restore double your former prosperity to you. (AMP)

I need to stop worrying and searching for answers. Lord, I want to seek your heart and trust Your words. Please grant me a token of hope that I can cling to. Give me the grace of faith and hope. I pray life over my womb and Rachel & Heather's wombs as well, Lord. Open the doors for life. May Ben & Denise see a token in the natural to give them hope that their twins will be in their arms by October at the same time that our twins enter this earth. God, You've said You have a special purpose for my twins. I am clinging with all that I have to Your promises for You are faithful and true.

Exhausted

Anybody have tips on how to stay awake in the prayer room. It's not a good sign when you are falling asleep reading the Word...