Sunday, September 26, 2010

Answer to Prayer

Talk about a quick response to my prayer (last post)! I turned on the IHOP webstream (Awakening 9pm-midnight set) and it was like God blasted me.

First of all, it's not about me and my circumstances. (I know...shocker.) It's about HIM and HIS Glory and HIS Kingdom.

Second, He wants me to trust Him again even though my experience tells me not to, even though I don't know for certain that my husband is on the same page, even though it seems crazy. God wants me to set out in vulnerability and trust His Word. This is my act of His Glory!

Third, that His grace is sufficient to help me be and do all that He asks of me. That His strength truly is glorified in my weakness. Yes, I am weak, broken, and selfish but God wants to make me beautiful, meek, humble, righteous, pure, and holy. He wants to glorify Himself through my weak life. He wants me to totally, withholding nothing, give all of me to Him in full confidence that He loves me yet giving Him full permission to do with my life as HE pleases, not how I please or think things should be...even unto death, poverty, or pain...trusting His goodness and His wisdom are beyond my own.

Yes, Lord, may it be unto me as You have said. Teach me, try me, consume all my darkness...let me truly be like the moon reflecting the Son, coming out the desert leaning on You, my beloved. Create in me a clean and new heart, oh God, and create a steadfast spirit within me. Show me Your Glory!!!!! Let me know the burnings of Your heart. Let me be daily changed by You. I hunger and thirst after Your righteousness. Grant me increasing revelation of You! Guard and preserve these things in my heart. Let them not be taken from me. Seal them for Your Glory!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

My heart's cry

I don't understand You. I hate debt. You hate debt. You say that if we give our own bread to take care of the orphan, if we give til it hurts that You will still meet our needs. You say that the righteous will never beg for bread. So, where does that leave us? I hear people say that when they have given toward missions or the fatherless that God has never left them hanging. I have seen us in the negative, overdrawn, and in debt too often to say I've seen You provide and meet our needs. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I'm greedy. Maybe I'm blind to what You are doing. Maybe I've missed something? Maybe I'm not seeing the big picture and only paycheck to paycheck. Maybe I am not being a good steward of the resources You give us. What is it God? We need to see You move. And it needs to be big. I'm not kidding. Honestly? I don't know how to trust You and Your promises when I'm not seeing them play out in my life. I can feel my heart hardening. I can feel my faith evaporating. I weep because I can't feel You or sense Your Spirit. I'm lost in darkness, groping for the Light. I don't want to lose sight of You but I think it's too late. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Am I lost forever? Am I stuck here, numb and despairing? Or is there a way out? I need You to come for me. I need You to fight for me. No one else will... You are my only hope. Please don't fail me...