Am I hungry enough? Would I truly be content to just gaze upon the beauty of the Lord? If I never heard His voice, never got a prophetic word, never had a dream, a vision, or even a picture...would I still want to seek Him? If meditating on the Word felt like eating sand and my words seemed to hit the ceiling...would I continue in my pursuit of Him? Am I really hungry for God or am I just saying it to seem radical or fit in?
Am I really hungry? How do I know? What is the proof? Am I content to sit outside the gates and simply listen to Him breathe? Am I content to worship daily without receiving anything from God in return? Am I content to pursue Him without hope of catching Him?
Am I content to live in the wilderness? Am I content to weep without hope of relief? Am I content with too little? Or do I ask too much?
I don't deserve more than Hell. I don't deserve to be clothed as a lily nor fed as a sparrow. Why then do I yearn for more? Why then am I not content with His provision and the honor of sitting in His presence? Why am I not satisfied with anything less than everything...the fullness of Him?
If I am so undeserving why then do I crave more? Do I need to stop asking? Am I a beggar or a daughter? Who am I that I should be called a daughter of the Most High God? How can I be satisfied with the mere pursuit of God and not the finding of Him?
Is it wrong to be envious of my brothers and sister? You speak to them! They have pictures, words, insights, revelation! They have dreams and visions! Why not me?
Though I deserve nothing but silence, I ask, "Abba, speak to me!" Though I deserve nothing but desert, I ask, "Abba, quench my thirst. Feed me bread from Your hand." Though I deserve nothing short of eternal separation, I ask,"Abba, show me Your glory! Show me Your face! Stare into my eyes until Your fire consumes me!"
How can I walk as a daughter if I can't hear Your voice?
3 comments:
Piercing questions - it takes an earnest heart to ask them. I think one who honestly asks these questions is far better off than those who do not. Even if we have the wrong answers! Let me encourage you however. To desire the joy of the Lord is to desire that which the Lord desires most for you! Indeed he commands rejoicing! Don't feel guilty for desiring the gifts our beautiful groom so longs to lavish upon us! He wants us to want Him! Isn't that great!
Hunger doesn't produce results. It is God's compassion and grace that carries us through. It is marvelous that you want hunger. But, if you look at yourself you will see some inadequacy somewhere. Remember that God makes us a warrior when we are wearing nothing but sheep skin and holding a sling. The truth is you will be hungry when God uses you. I know that God will use you mightly so you will eventully be hungry enough.
We're so alike it's scary. Have you been reading my journal? This is Caitlin, by the way
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