My heart's cry

Lord,
I don't understand You. I hate debt. You hate debt. You say that if we give our own bread to take care of the orphan, if we give til it hurts that You will still meet our needs. You say that the righteous will never beg for bread. So, where does that leave us? I hear people say that when they have given toward missions or the fatherless that God has never left them hanging. I have seen us in the negative, overdrawn, and in debt too often to say I've seen You provide and meet our needs. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I'm greedy. Maybe I'm blind to what You are doing. Maybe I've missed something? Maybe I'm not seeing the big picture and only paycheck to paycheck. Maybe I am not being a good steward of the resources You give us. What is it God? We need to see You move. And it needs to be big. I'm not kidding. Honestly? I don't know how to trust You and Your promises when I'm not seeing them play out in my life. I can feel my heart hardening. I can feel my faith evaporating. I weep because I can't feel You or sense Your Spirit. I'm lost in darkness, groping for the Light. I don't want to lose sight of You but I think it's too late. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Am I lost forever? Am I stuck here, numb and despairing? Or is there a way out? I need You to come for me. I need You to fight for me. No one else will... You are my only hope. Please don't fail me...