Hope

I'm not sure I like hope. Either you lay hope on the altar and yet hope God provides an alternative or you try to lose hope but can't because you still hope it might come true.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. - Prov. 13:12

Today has been rough...to say the least. I've been wrestling today. My eyes and head ache from weeping. I'm emotionally spent. I don't so much like the wilderness and I don't so much like the dark night. But somehow I have to rest in hope and trust that my Beloved is good and He will not leave my soul in Sheol. Yet that does not mean I will ever see my hopes fulfilled. So what then does it mean... That I rest in the knowledge that He is enough and all my suffering and pain is for His glory? At this particular moment that is not a comforting thought. Maybe I'm just greedy but I don't really like being barren in the wilderness. Plus I don't think that He would make me promises He doesn't intend to keep. Like Abraham, if I am to sacrifice this promise on the altar then I must have faith that God can provide an alternative or resurrect the dream. I honestly just don't want to be as old as Sarai or Elizabeth when it happens to be honest. Yet birthing a dream is a journey to and just as the hope gets bigger the greater the sorry when it dies and the greater the fear each subsquent attempt. I really don't like this place at all. I'm tired of crying...