I can't believe I haven't written since August! It feels like everything is just flying by and I can't grasp onto anything. I don't have time to get anything done besides caring for Aiden. I'm lucky if I get a shower! I don't know how people do it. I really don't. I'm hoping it gets easier... at least slightly so I'm not living in a disaster zone. I realize now how much I could have gotten done in the last 9 months before baby came. It's been a real eye-opener to how lazy I've been. Now that I want to remedy that I feel like I can't. I know there's a way though. I'll figure it out sooner or later. I've been feeling sorry for myself too much too. I really want to be back in the prayer room and doing the 6am set and Friday nights. I miss singing and I miss the prayer room. I can't figure out what this is all going to look like for me and I feel quite far from the Lord at present. I try to pray at home and it feels foreign and empty. I don't know what I need but I do know it involves encounter with God that's deep. This time is definitely not what I thought it would be. I love my son and I wouldn't trade motherhood for the world but I definitely wasn't prepared for the spiritual emptiness and emotional drain that I've been experiencing daily.
God, my God, I cry out...your beloved needs You now...
THE Shulamite
2 I sleep, but my heart is awake;
It is the voice of my beloved!
He knocks,
saying, “ Open for me, my sister, my love,
My dove, my perfect one;
For my head is covered with dew,
My locks with the drops of the night.”
3 I have taken off my robe;
How can I put it on
again? I have washed my feet;
How can I defile them?
4 My beloved put his hand
By the latch
of the door, And my heart yearned for him.
5 I arose to open for my beloved,
And my hands dripped
with myrrh,
My fingers with liquid myrrh,
On the handles of the lock.
6 I opened for my beloved,
But my beloved had turned away
and was gone.
My heart leaped up when he spoke.
I sought him, but I could not find him;
I called him, but he gave me no answer.
7 The watchmen who went about the city found me.
They struck me, they wounded me;
The keepers of the walls
Took my veil away from me.
8 I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, If you find my beloved, That you tell him I am lovesick!
