Aurora...beauty emerging out of the darkest night

Answer to Prayer

2010-09-26T00:19:00.002-04:00

Talk about a quick response to my prayer (last post)! I turned on the IHOP webstream (Awakening 9pm-midnight set) and it was like God blasted me.

First of all, it's not about me and my circumstances. (I know...shocker.) It's about HIM and HIS Glory and HIS Kingdom.

Second, He wants me to trust Him again even though my experience tells me not to, even though I don't know for certain that my husband is on the same page, even though it seems crazy. God wants me to set out in vulnerability and trust His Word. This is my act of faith...to His Glory!

Third, that His grace is sufficient to help me be and do all that He asks of me. That His strength truly is glorified in my weakness. Yes, I am weak, broken, and selfish but God wants to make me beautiful, meek, humble, righteous, pure, and holy. He wants to glorify Himself through my weak life. He wants me to totally, withholding nothing, give all of me to Him in full confidence that He loves me yet giving Him full permission to do with my life as HE pleases, not how I please or think things should be...even unto death, poverty, or pain...trusting His goodness and His wisdom are beyond my own.

Yes, Lord, may it be unto me as You have said. Teach me, try me, consume all my darkness...let me truly be like the moon reflecting the Son, coming out the desert leaning on You, my beloved. Create in me a clean and new heart, oh God, and create a steadfast spirit within me. Show me Your Glory!!!!! Let me know the burnings of Your heart. Let me be daily changed by You. I hunger and thirst after Your righteousness. Grant me increasing revelation of You! Guard and preserve these things in my heart. Let them not be taken from me. Seal them for Your Glory!

My heart's cry

2010-09-25T22:18:00.004-04:00

Lord,
I don't understand You. I hate debt. You hate debt. You say that if we give our own bread to take care of the orphan, if we give til it hurts that You will still meet our needs. You say that the righteous will never beg for bread. So, where does that leave us? I hear people say that when they have given toward missions or the fatherless that God has never left them hanging. I have seen us in the negative, overdrawn, and in debt too often to say I've seen You provide and meet our needs. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I'm greedy. Maybe I'm blind to what You are doing. Maybe I've missed something? Maybe I'm not seeing the big picture and only paycheck to paycheck. Maybe I am not being a good steward of the resources You give us. What is it God? We need to see You move. And it needs to be big. I'm not kidding. Honestly? I don't know how to trust You and Your promises when I'm not seeing them play out in my life. I can feel my heart hardening. I can feel my faith evaporating. I weep because I can't feel You or sense Your Spirit. I'm lost in darkness, groping for the Light. I don't want to lose sight of You but I think it's too late. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Am I lost forever? Am I stuck here, numb and despairing? Or is there a way out? I need You to come for me. I need You to fight for me. No one else will... You are my only hope. Please don't fail me...

Be holy as I am holy...

2010-08-31T13:24:00.004-04:00

I Peter 1:14-17

¹⁴[Live] as children of obedience [to God]; do not conform yourselves to the evil desires [that governed you] in your former ignorance [when you did not know the requirements of the Gospel].

¹⁵But as the One Who called you is holy, you yourselves also be holy in all your conduct and manner of living.

¹⁶For it is written, You shall be holy, for I am holy.

¹⁷And if you call upon Him as [your] Father Who judges each one impartially according to what he does, [then] you should conduct yourselves with true reverence throughout the time of your temporary residence [on the earth, whether long or short].

Leviticus 11:44, 19:2 - this is where it is written "You shall be holy, for I am holy." It is in the middle of the law.

Vine's says that the word here is hagios which is not an attainment but a state into which God in grace calls us. We are called to wash ourselves in the Word in order to remain free from defilement, forsake sin, and live according to Christ's example. Hagios means more than pure, sacred, or worthy..."it is characteristically godlikeness." Wow! That explains "Be imitators of Christ" so much more richly. I think this means that I am to live a holy life, one that is in agreement with Christ.

So, the question remains - is holiness a process or an immediately acquired state upon accepting the salvation of Christ? Could it be both? We are made righteous upon receiving the gift of salvation, but are we made holy? I think we frequently confuse holiness with righteousness.

1 Corinthians 1:30 (Amplified Bible)

³⁰But it is from Him that you have your life in Christ Jesus, Whom God made our Wisdom from God, [revealed to us a knowledge of the divine plan of salvation previously hidden, manifesting itself as] our Righteousness [thus making us upright and putting us in right standing with God], and our Consecration [making us pure and holy], and our Redemption [providing our ransom from eternal penalty for sin].

Consecration (holy) and righteousness are two different things. Righteousness is being brought into right relationship with God. How are we brought into right relationship? Romans 4 seems to say that faith exercised produces righteousness in our lives. Ok, so holiness is being pure and set apart unto God and righteousness is life lived in faith and unity with the heart of God.

So, the question still remains for me...if God consecrates us and gives us His righteousness then do we have to do anything or just receive and live? I don't know that I can say we just accept the gift and then just keep on going expecting to "naturally" do what's in God's heart, especially in light of verses like this one...

Daniel 11:33-35 (Amplified Bible)

³³And they who are wise and understanding among the people shall instruct many and make them understand, though some [of them and their followers] shall fall by the sword and flame, by captivity and plunder, for many days.

³⁴Now when they fall, they shall receive a little help. Many shall join themselves to them with flatteries and hypocrisies.

³⁵And some of those who are wise, prudent, and understanding shall be weakened and fall, [thus, then, the insincere among the people will lose courage and become deserters. It will be a test] to refine, to purify, and to make those among [God's people] white, even to the time of the end, because it is yet for the time [God] appointed.

Still speaking of righteousness, let's throw in another wrench...

1 John 3:7-10

7 Little children, let no one deceive you. He who practices righteousness is righteous, just as He is righteous. 8 He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil. 9 Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God. 10 In this the children of God and the children of the devil are manifest: Whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is he who does not love his brother.

Ok, so now what? He who practices righteousness is righteous just as Christ is righteous. So, in walking out our faith daily we are practicing righteousness. Then v. 9 says whoever has been born of God DOES NOT SIN and CANNOT SIN. So, is does this mean we are already holy (pure, undefiled, godlikeness)? We cannot sin if we are in Christ yet we still must practice righteousness and are commanded to be holy.

So, the question remains - are we already holy & righteous or is it a process or is it both?

Diligence - Part 1

2010-08-09T19:19:00.002-04:00

I'm on a journey into the heart of God. I've been asking Him some big questions b/c He really convicted me one night at IHOP-FW. He told me that the following verses applied to me:

Revelation 2: 1-7

¹TO THE angel (messenger) of the assembly (church) in Ephesus write: These are the words of Him Who holds the seven stars [which are the messengers of the seven churches] in His right hand, Who goes about among the seven golden lampstands [which are the seven churches]:

²I know your industry and activities, laborious toil and trouble, and your patient endurance, and how you cannot tolerate wicked [men] and have tested and critically appraised those who call [themselves] apostles (special messengers of Christ) and yet are not, and have found them to be impostors and liars.

³I know you are enduring patiently and are bearing up for My name's sake, and you have not fainted or become exhausted or grown weary.

⁴But I have this [one charge to make] against you: that you have left (abandoned) the love that you had at first [you have deserted Me, your first love].

⁵Remember then from what heights you have fallen. Repent (change the inner man to meet God's will) and do the works you did previously [when first you knew the Lord], or else I will visit you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you change your mind and repent.

⁶Yet you have this [in your favor and to your credit]: you hate the works of the Nicolaitans [what they are doing as corrupters of the people], which I Myself also detest.

⁷He who is able to hear, let him listen to and give heed to what the Spirit says to the assemblies (churches). To him who overcomes (is victorious), I will grant to eat [of the fruit] of the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

I cried b/c I knew it to be true. I asked God how I got to this place. This place of hardness, where I don't feel anything, especially His presence. He showed me in verse 5 - "Remember the heights from which you have fallen." I remember the beautiful times I had with God in the prayer room before I had kids, the 6 am sets, the day long times with Him, the internship, etc. "do the things you did at first" - What did I do at first, Lord? He showed me that I was no longer regularly in His Word, that I no longer fast regularly, that I pray sporadically and selfishly. So, I asked Him for a hunger for His Word. I asked to hear His voice. I asked Him how He wanted me to fast and how He wanted me to pray.

The next day, I opened up my journal to rehearse the places I had been with God and what I had done at first. I looked at where my journaling stopped - Proverbs 31:10 so I decided to start there. Wow! I'll have to post just on that verse another time but the path it led me on is the point here.

Proverbs 31:10 (Amplified Bible)

¹⁰A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman--who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.

I glanced through the footnotes on Proverbs 31 and that lead me to 2 Peter 1:5-8.

2 Peter 1:5-8 (Amplified Bible)

⁵For this very reason, adding your diligence [to the divine promises], employ every effort in exercising your faith to develop virtue (excellence, resolution, Christian energy), and in [exercising] virtue [develop] knowledge (intelligence),

⁶And in [exercising] knowledge [develop] self-control, and in [exercising] self-control [develop] steadfastness (patience, endurance), and in [exercising] steadfastness [develop] godliness (piety),

⁷And in [exercising] godliness [develop] brotherly affection, and in [exercising] brotherly affection [develop] Christian love.

⁸For as these qualities are yours and increasingly abound in you, they will keep [you] from being idle or unfruitful unto the [full personal] knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

And I realized that some things I had never noticed before. One, in order to "add to"/"develop" a trait I needed to "exercise" the current trait. Talk about "working out your salvation with fear and trembling"! Secondly, I noticed that neither faith nor virtue were the first traits. I had always heard or read those to be the starting point. But they are not the starting point - diligence is. Diligence is where it all begins.

Community

2010-06-16T15:38:00.003-04:00

There is an ache growing inside of me. I long for community. I long to be doing life in Christ with friends. I'm not talking about once or twice a week at a church service or prayer meeting. I'm tired of going to services where I come in greet friends, talk briefly perhaps, attempt to meet with God, then leave. Are we really going somewhere together? How can we pursue God in prayer or praise, how can we say we are corporately going after God when I barely have a relationship with the people in the room? How can we pursue God together if we are not doing life together? I'm talking intimacy here. Community is about being in each other's day to day stuff. I want to daily play, talk, praise, pray, worship, eat, laugh, love, and hang out with a group of people committed to the pursuit of Jesus, of one thing, of Psalm 27:4. I really long for this. Lord, I know this is your heart too. Please make this a reality in my life!

I must post this link...

2009-07-29T17:28:00.002-04:00

Please read...but keep in mind that God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

http://www.morningstarministries.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000054411

Wow...it's been a really long time...

2009-07-23T14:48:00.002-04:00

Maybe I need to start a new blog...

I've been contemplating how much my life has changed since becoming a mother. In some ways good, in some ways that I don't like (to be honest). Not that I would change being a mother or exchange a day for anything, but sometimes I miss the time I had before, especially time with God, time in the prayer room, time with people. Maybe it's my lack of discipline, maybe it's laziness, maybe it's my self-consciousness about Aiden's every move, but I seem to find it impossible to engage in the prayer room, get out of the house, or enjoy God & His Word. It's frustrating. I don't remember it being quite as difficult last year as it has been this year. I'm hoping it doesn't get worse with the new baby coming. I just don't understand God...which I know is normal and not a bad thing but sometimes it's enfuriating! He's given me assignments, dreams, knowings...and yet in doing them I seem to not just lose me (which is fine) but I risk losing Him. I don't like that. I don't like that. I really miss Him right now and I feel helpless to do anything about it. The Word is dry and He feels distant. Or is it me? Probably. So I keep going...plugging away...at what? Without oil is anything worth it?

Whoa to America

2008-11-05T09:25:00.005-05:00

America has lost its blessing. I have lost my hope in America.

America has just:

stated that their own personal comfort is more important than the lives of millions of unborn babies

eliminated the chance for mercy

brought judgement upon herself

eliminated the chance for the states to determine their own abortion laws

elected to become a communist nation - led by a man who believes in our "civic religion" and wants to "redistribute wealth"

decided to turn its back on Israel

So, last night I was lying in bed worrying about the future for the Church when the Lord reminded me of Joshua when the angel appeared to him and he asked "Are you for us or for our enemies" and he said "neither, I am commander of the Lord's army." And then God reminded me of Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." I believe that we missed the open door for mercy that God was extending to us but I also know that God is sovereign (not in control but sovereign...He is all powerful but not all controlling) so He can still knock Obama down like He did Saul on the road to Damascus. He can do it if He wants so now I'm praying for the turning of Obama's heart to God. I also realized that I cannot put my trust in anything but the Lord...I know that I've said that before to myself but seriously I don't live that way. I have allowed circumstances to dictate the time I spend with God. I have made decisions b/c it seemed that things were too hard so it must not be what God wants me to do...probably the opposite is true. So, I am renewing covenant with God and committing to walking with Him. I am committing to be in the Word daily, praying daily at home AND in the prayer room. I am committing to not let the "normal life" things get in the way or be excuses for why I can't spend time with God. I need to pursue Him wholeheartedly whether or not I have a house to maintain, child(ren) to raise, ministry pursuits, or family functions...HE must be FIRST! ALL the time! I cannot risk falling back into the apathy and complacency my heart has been in up until now. I will NOT be among the "most" who fall away. I will NOT be a foolish virgin who is more concerned with the doing of things for God than she is concerned with KNOWING God. I WILL have a reservoir of oil (intimacy) for my lamp (ministry)...so my focus is maintained and I am not weary in doing good. God is my fortress, my focus, and my exceedingly great reward. There is no other lover who is worth chasing after. I want to live the Sermon on the Mount, not just preach it. Oh, Lord, help me, teach me, grow me, and give me strength to pursue you with reckless abandon and wholehearted devotion.

I feel like I should start singing that old Ray Boltz song..."I pledge allegiance to the Lamb. With all my strength, with all I am. I will seek to honor His command. I pledge allegiance to the Lamb." or the Misty Edwards song... "I pledge my allegiance to Jesus, to Jesus, and I pledge my allegiance to the Lamb...baptize my heart with Your fire, desire...Cuz I don't wanna be offended...when it's all comin' down."

provision quandries

2008-08-14T13:07:00.004-04:00

sacrifice...

we should never have gone to the resale...or at least not bought all the toys and esp. the bike trailer...

we need to stay within our means not make the numbers reflect our current usage like gasoline...can i walk more? maybe the bike trailer will come in handy after all...

do i need to get a job? how can i make more money doing what i am currently doing or have training to do without having to pay for childcare?...

what about IHOP? i so want to be a part and i can't even seem to do part-time hours at the moment...

what can we sell or donate that will free us from debt?...

i feel like all i do is whine to You about all my financial woes. how do i live in a financially responsible fashion without that being my entire focus? how do i not let the financial issues get me down? how do i live in a place of trust that you will take care of things? when i mess up financially i suffer the consequences so i just need to learn from my mistakes and not let them get me down. i know change comes slowly but i just don't know what to do next. i feel so lost and befuddled. i just want to sit down and cry but i'm not sure that would help anything. my secondary reaction is to seek out a solution. what can i do to change things? should i get a job? though that makes financial sense on some levels i really don't feel like i'm supposed to be working outside the home. i feel my place is here yet i have no idea how to deal with the pressures from others who do not understand why i refuse to seek traditional employment. what if i pursued the dreams of my heart instead of what others told me to do. what if i work my ouaf business, work part-time in IHOP-FW, teach spanish at home (maybe even do some translation on the side), cultivate my abilities as a speaker, have lots of babies :o), and maybe even begin to write...what if i pursued those things...what would happen?

and this money business...what if this is just a momentary thing that we should not be depressed about but see it as a continual learning experience. what if that is the secret to an eternal perspective...instead of whining (navel-gazing) perhaps the eternal perspective would say "ok, so that didn't/doesn't work, let's try this..." is it merely a question of attitude? is it choosing joy and eternal glory instead of whining and complaining about how the money isn't there so i can't pursue what i want to pursue. is my attitude my own worst enemy? is it really that simple?

Adventures in Joel 2

2008-07-22T10:55:00.003-04:00

Ok. So, I haven't been sleeping well/much and one night I said "Ok, God. If you want me up then what do you want me to do?" Joel 2 blazed on my heart so I decided to read Joel and see what I would see. What stood out to me were Joel 1:9 & 13 & Joel 2:14 & 19. These deal with the grain offering and the drink offering. I just found it interesting that Joel 1 talks about lamenting b/c there is no grain offering or drink offering; but what really caught my eye was Joel 2:14. How many times have I heard this quoted but it has never been quoted in full.

14 Who knows if He will turn and relent,
And leave a blessing behind Him—
A grain offering and a drink offering
For the LORD your God?

That these offerings would be THE blessing left behind makes them more significant than just provision. So, I started looking up what are these offerings about. There's a lot of cool stuff I found in Leviticus (yes, Leviticus) but the daily offering section in Exodus was the kicker. Listen to this. Every day in the morning the priest would offer a lamb (burnt offering - ola). With that burnt offering he would break the grain offering in half and offer half the grain plus a drink offerings to the Lord. Then in the evening he would offer another lamb, the other half of the grain offering and a drink offering. This is communion! This is Jesus death on the cross! This is Passover! Jesus said "Do this as often as you do, in remembrance of me." They did it every day!!! Twice a day!!! Plus think of the significance! He is inviting all of Israel (& us) into intimacy with Him every day! The blessing He says would be the most amazing gift (back up to the verse) is this offering... If we seek Him and His mercy then instead of judgement He will leave the blessing of His MANIFEST PRESENCE, intimacy with Adonai (Our Creator)...REVIVAL!!!

Oh, Jesus, the beauty of your love & mercy that you would respond to your priests who weep for a nation between porch and altar...that you would respond by revoking judgement and pouring out revival! Thank You, Lord, that this is not logical to me! Thank you for the most beautiful gift of all - YOU! I love you, Jesus, and long for Your Shekinah glory to manifest in our city, our nation! Come, Lord Jesus!

Fighting flesh

2008-07-08T22:23:00.003-04:00

I hate laziness. So, I really hate that I am so lazy! God is really insisting lately that I need to be deliberate and dependable. I need to do what I say I am going to do when I say I am going to do it. That is incredibly difficult. I also blame a lot of my inability to get things done on Aiden...which is sometimes warranted but not nearly as often as I use that excuse. So, in front of all my blogging friends, I am making this committment to do what I say I am going to do when I say I am going to do it. I asked the Lord to make me dependable and industrious. I guess He is answering with a cattle prod :o) I need this or I will never be in the prayer room or even seek the Lord in my own home. I need Him...I want to be selfish about my time with Him! I am shaking of the sleepiness and stepping into purpose. Oh, Jesus, help me!

Cliff-jumping anyone?

2008-06-23T16:17:00.002-04:00

So we are officially at the edge of the cliff. Now, the question is whether or not we know what we are jumping into. Is Jehovah Jireh going to catch us or are we missing Him? I suppose we will find out soon enough...

Lord, grant us wisdom to trust & see the next step...even if all You say is "jump"...we need a "thus saith the Lord" or the financial support in order to confirm that the time is now. Grant wisdom! Have mercy on this dumb sheep and make Your voice clear and Your will known!

longings of my heart...

2008-03-04T22:47:00.003-05:00

Daddy, I long to be in Your house of prayer but it seems like such a daunting task. Sometimes it seems impossible and sometimes I even doubt that we will ever be Levites. I know that You are Jehovah Jireh, I know that You are sovereign, I know that You have perfect timing...but somehow in the waiting I begin to wonder if I heard You correctly. I love you, Lord. I long to be with You in Your house. I don't know how to do that with children and so few IHOP hours. Show me, Lord...You alone are wise. Teach me Your ways...oh, how I long for Your Word!

Resurrection Power

2008-02-19T21:17:00.002-05:00

Am I crazy to believe that God will raise Luke from the dead? ...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection...(Philippians 3:10)

Jairus' daughter (Luke 8:49-55)
Lazarus ( John 11:43,44)
Dorcas (Acts 9:37-40)

Do it again, God!!!

The Encourager

2008-02-09T12:28:00.000-05:00

I love Jesus! He always finds ways to encourage me. He truly is the lifter of my head. I love that even when I can't get to His word, He just brings other people to speak encouragement over me. It's a beautiful thing...definitely helps to fight off the attacks of the enemy when you can stand in your eternal identity! :o)

Battling Loneliness & Heaviness

2008-02-04T22:27:00.000-05:00

No one ever told me that motherhood was a battle against loneliness & heaviness every day. No one ever told me that I would have to battle sleepiness in order to spend time with Jehovah each day and that would lose that battle nearly every time. No one ever told me that I would be willing to sacrifice my happiness for my little someone's sake. Lord, I can't do this without You. I don't want to do this without You. I miss You terribly...

People of Onething

2007-12-04T15:52:00.000-05:00

So, we say it all the time... I want to be a person of One Thing...just like David. But what does that really mean? What does that really look like? Tamara and I were talking today about this very topic and frankly my flesh is scared of living this lifestyle. My heart longs for it but how do I tame my flesh? My heart says, "give until it hurts" (like Jesus commands in the Sermon on the Mount) but my flesh says, "but how will I pay my bills & feed my family"...so I pay my bills, buy groceries and wonder why I never have enough left over to give. My heart says, "die to self" but my flesh says, "then who will take care of your needs? who will put food on the table? don't you have the right to the things you want/need?"...so I focus on my own provision and wonder why I never have enough. My heart says, "serve others" but my flesh says, "what about my needs?"...so I do Children's Ministry but resent in my heart that I can't attend service b/c of my son's needs. My heart says, "fast, pray, and, read the Word, and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord in His temple" but my flesh says, "how do I possibly have time for all of these things when I have laundry, cleaning, dishes, errands, phone calls, .... to do? how do I fast when I have a baby to feed? It's just too much hassle."...so I continue to not start off my day in prayer and God-gazing and yet I wonder why I seem to never get enough done? Frankly, from what I'm seeing in my own words/thoughts is a need for an attitude adjustment. Jesus never said that the Kingdom of Heaven was all about me...actually it's all about Him. So, why then am I so focused on my own little world/kingdom? (As MercyMe puts it, "How can I further Your Kingdom when I'm so wrapped up in mine?") I want to be focused on what is on God's heart. I want to pursue the Kingdom. I want to focus on others, not myself. How do I put these desires into action? What does it look like to be a person of One Thing? How do I live this life? Is it living by the Voice of God? If so, how do I know who I'm hearing? Yes, I know Kirk would say "Practice" but that involves making mistakes...am I ready to accept those consequences, especially how they effect my family? Sometimes I just feel lost in the woods in a thick fog...no idea where I'm supposed to go and how I'm supposed to get there. ::sigh:: Any ideas?...

Time flies

2007-10-27T22:28:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I haven't written since August! It feels like everything is just flying by and I can't grasp onto anything. I don't have time to get anything done besides caring for Aiden. I'm lucky if I get a shower! I don't know how people do it. I really don't. I'm hoping it gets easier... at least slightly so I'm not living in a disaster zone. I realize now how much I could have gotten done in the last 9 months before baby came. It's been a real eye-opener to how lazy I've been. Now that I want to remedy that I feel like I can't. I know there's a way though. I'll figure it out sooner or later. I've been feeling sorry for myself too much too. I really want to be back in the prayer room and doing the 6am set and Friday nights. I miss singing and I miss the prayer room. I can't figure out what this is all going to look like for me and I feel quite far from the Lord at present. I try to pray at home and it feels foreign and empty. I don't know what I need but I do know it involves encounter with God that's deep. This time is definitely not what I thought it would be. I love my son and I wouldn't trade motherhood for the world but I definitely wasn't prepared for the spiritual emptiness and emotional drain that I've been experiencing daily. God, my God, I cry out...your beloved needs You now...

THE Shulamite

2 I sleep, but my heart is awake;
It is the voice of my beloved!
He knocks, saying,

“ Open for me, my sister, my love,
My dove, my perfect one;
For my head is covered with dew,
My locks with the drops of the night.”
3 I have taken off my robe;
How can I put it on again?
I have washed my feet;
How can I defile them?
4 My beloved put his hand
By the latch of the door,
And my heart yearned for him.
5 I arose to open for my beloved,
And my hands dripped with myrrh,
My fingers with liquid myrrh,
On the handles of the lock.
6 I opened for my beloved,
But my beloved had turned away and was gone.
My heart leaped up when he spoke.
I sought him, but I could not find him;
I called him, but he gave me no answer.
7 The watchmen who went about the city found me.
They struck me, they wounded me;
The keepers of the walls
Took my veil away from me.
8 I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
If you find my beloved,
That you tell him I am lovesick!

It's been a long time...

2007-08-29T09:38:00.000-04:00

It's been quite a long time since I posted last. I got so out of habit in the spring that it was hard to get back into the groove...plus I think it's harder to blog during dry, desert times...which is most of what the last several months have been for me. It's been really hard to be in the prayer room for months...just dry times where I don't feel I'm even touching the heart of God nor hearing from Him. Some days & weeks were worse than others but I think the hardest thing is just how long the desert time lasted. I am glad to be on the other side of it now. I know God did much in me during that time though I think I'm still figuring out what it all was. I'm just glad He is finally speaking to me again! It actually surprised me at first...I guess I got too accustomed to the silence. Now I can't get enough. I just don't ever want Him to stop speaking! I'm a little nervous though b/c He's been giving me lots of clues about an upcoming transition time for us...a time that begins after the baby comes until at least the first of the year. There are tons of changes ahead and it seems that our lives will not look the same, and I'm not just talking about the fact that we will be parents. God has been telling me that many of the old things that are hanging on will be cut off. I think things like Danny's thesis, our debt, his job, and my role in youth group are in that mix. I know He's going to do new things with my business and change my understanding of what Children's Ministry will look like. I am hoping that He will be tangible through all of this. I don't want to go through this without Him there. So, I'm hoping it won't be another wilderness time, though if He romances me there I know it'll be okay. ;o) I'm excited and nervous about what the near future holds for us.

My Heart is Full

2007-04-03T11:53:00.000-04:00

It's hard to get back into the habit of blogging when I haven't done any in a month and a half!

My heart is so full and wants to speak yet I cannot seem to put into words all that I'm feeling. The Lord has been teaching me so much. As I went through the Divine Experiment I didn't really think anything was changing in me or that big things were happening. Now that it's over I am starting to see the fruit of it in my life. It's amazing! My appetite has changed. Monte shared that he began to look up "delight" because the psalmist often says to delight yourself in the Lord. He came up with this revelation: The Lord must be my most exquisite pleasure, the delicacy that my palate craves. I'm so there...that's what I want and I'm getting a small taste...but oh is it sweet! I kept asking the Lord during the fast to clean out His temple, get rid of all my idols, violently extract the world from my heart...and He's doing it! I have no desire to shop, it actually bores me to some extent. I'm not worrying about money (though I have had to repeat over and over again "Lord, I trust You. Your ways are not my ways.") but focusing on understanding giving in the Word. I'm learning to be still too. The hardest thing about learning stillness is to find the balance between stillness and idleness. I'm hoping I can keep from re-addicting myself to the Internet though. That's going to be rough...at least looking at the screen to long still makes me nauseous and gives me a headache! yeah! :o) He's tenderizing my heart and I'm loving it! His Presence was so sweet this morning...but I also have a hunch that He's luring me into the wilderness again. I want to get to the point where I seek out the wilderness like the Shulammite in SOS 7:11 or David in Psalm 55:6-7 or Israel in Jer. 31:2 (Message: "They found grace out in the desert, these people who survived the killing. Israel, out looking for a place to rest, met God out looking for them!") Where I long to meet the Lord there. I still have a little fear of it but I know coming out the other side will be glorious! (Who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her lover?)

Twins?

2007-02-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

I think I might just go crazy if I have to wait until I go into labor to determine whether I am having twins or not. My intuition says that I am. I think God told me I am but unfortunately those beautiful moments don't last in my heart as long as I wish them to. Oh, that I would not doubt and be able to ponder these things in my heart as Mary! We had an ultrasound today and there was one baby and a good heartbeat. I am only 7 weeks. Please pray for this pregnancy that it goes to term with healthy, viable, 7 lb babies. God gave me this verse after I lost Sean and I immediately understood it to mean twins...plus there are some other amazingly redemptive meanings behind me having twins...here is the verse: Zechariah 9:12 Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you. (NIV) Return to the stronghold [of security and prosperity], you prisoners of hope; even today do I declare that I will restore double your former prosperity to you. (AMP)

I need to stop worrying and searching for answers. Lord, I want to seek your heart and trust Your words. Please grant me a token of hope that I can cling to. Give me the grace of faith and hope. I pray life over my womb and Rachel & Heather's wombs as well, Lord. Open the doors for life. May Ben & Denise see a token in the natural to give them hope that their twins will be in their arms by October at the same time that our twins enter this earth. God, You've said You have a special purpose for my twins. I am clinging with all that I have to Your promises for You are faithful and true.

Exhausted

2007-02-01T15:47:00.000-05:00

Anybody have tips on how to stay awake in the prayer room. It's not a good sign when you are falling asleep reading the Word...

Enough is enough

2007-01-29T17:44:00.000-05:00

I'm not satisfied with just sitting in His temple without hearing His voice. Yet in my flesh I give up too quickly. I fall asleep in His temple as I wait wishing He would speak to me. I fast hoping I would hear Him. But instead I feel like my heart shrinks instead of being enlarged. He may be speaking but I hear nothing. The Word is dry and lifeless to my parched lips. I have trouble even praying aloud. I try to praise and my tongue is barren. I try to command my soul and end up fighting my flesh instead of ministering to the Lord. Maybe I just need to be satisfied with sitting in His temple and giving Him a joyless heart filled with dry, lifeless praise and just thank Him for being God and being good. I know He is good and gives good gifts to His children I guess sometimes I either give up to fast or He just isn't planning on bestowing such gifts until eternity. I am tired of sitting in the prayer room with nothing to sing, nothing to pray, and trying to meditate on His Word yet finding it dry. I don't want to give up but somedays I get sick of running in a hamster wheel and getting nowhere... Where is my En Gedi? Oh, Lord, I'm dying of thirst...

Abortion...Oh, Lord have mercy on us!

2007-01-22T21:55:00.000-05:00

Ok. I was looking for something on google related to abortion and I came across the definition of abortion in the Wikipedia online. There was a highly disturbing quote by a "doctor" who performs abortions for a living. I clicked on the link to the article. While and after reading I just wanted to puke and weep uncontrollably. If you have any desire to understand why I HATE abortion, click here.

(Tamara, I wouldn't read the article if I were you...trust me...)

The real reason I was searching google was to see about correlations between abortion and other issues in society. I found several articles on correlations between abortion and breast cancer though there were multiple sides to the story.

Also disturbing, I found articles about how Roe v. Wade won't end abortion in the USA b/c there is a drug out there that can be prescribed to do the same thing. The drug has been approved by the FDA for use with ulcers but is being used for abortions as well.

God, have mercy on your people! I ask forgiveness, Lord, for the sins of my generation and the generations before me, for those who have sacrificed their children to Molech and for the Church which has done little or nothing. God, I'm asking that you would end abortion in our land, turn our hearts back to You! End Abortion & Send Revival! God, have mercy on a stiff-necked, apathetic, complacent people! Turn our hearts back to You! Though Satan rail against this generation and seek to take out 50 million of my brothers and sisters each year in the USA alone...Lord, have mercy and open our eyes to what we are doing! You have given us over to it b/c we begged for it but, Father, I'm asking in Your wrath remember mercy!!!

Joy

2007-01-17T23:37:00.000-05:00

So, I have decided that I have no understanding of what "joy" is.

Deuteronomy 28: 46-48 (AMP)
46They shall be upon you for a sign [of warning to other nations] and for a wonder, and upon your descendants forever. 47Because you did not serve the Lord your God with joyfulness of [mind and] heart [in gratitude] for the abundance of all [with which He had blessed you], 48Therefore you shall serve your enemies whom the Lord shall send against you, in hunger and thirst, in nakedness and in want of all things; and He will put a yoke of iron upon your neck until He has destroyed you.

Apparently I need to know what joy is, based on this verse out of Mosaic Law. So, I begin my quest. According to the dictionary and other people "joy" is defined as follows:

Quotes:
"Joy is a delight of the mind, from the consideration of the present or assured approaching possession of a good." Locke.

That which causes joy or happiness. " A thing of beauty is a joy forever." Keats.

Webster's dictionary & others: The passion or emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good; pleasurable feelings or emotions caused by success, good fortune, and the like, or by a rational prospect of possessing what we love or desire; gladness; exhilaration of spirits; delight.

synonyms: happiness, pleasure, enjoy, rejoice, gaiety, delight, bliss
antonyms: saddness, despair, grief, unhappiness, misery, sorrow

New Cathoic Dictionary: The passion opposed to sadness, and arising from the possession of a desired or coveted object; one of the fruits of the Holy Ghost; an effect also of contemplating the sacred mysteries of the Resurrection, Ascension, and Coming of the Holy Ghost.

Holman's Standard Version's definition

Strong's & Amplified results:
joy: (to) rejoice, exult(atation), glad(ness), to tremble from fear, triumph, ringing cry of entreaty, supplication in proclamation, joy, praise, cry, shout, display joy, to rejoice (arrogantly), exult (at) , to rejoice (religiously), merry, you who rejoice, showing joy, mirth, gladness, gaiety, pleasure, joy (of God), glad result, happy issue, alarm of war, war-cry, battle-cry , blast (for march) , shout of joy (with religious impulse) , shout of joy (in general), alarm, signal, sound of tempest, shout, shout or blast of war or alarm or joy, good cheer, to glory (whether with reason or without), to glory on account of a thing, to glory in a thing, to rejoice, be glad, to rejoice exceedingly, to be well, thrive, in salutations, hail!, at the beginning of letters: to give one greeting, salute, the joy received from you, the cause or occasion of joy(of persons who are one's joy), favored with blessings, made blissful, blessed, satisfaction in God's favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions, happy, blithesome, spiritually prosperous, the delight, the blessedness, delight, exultation, ecstasy, rapture, enrapture, with a happy heart

have joy: to be useful, to profit, help, to receive profit or advantage, be helped [or have joy]

turn into joy: to leap/dance/spring

enjoy: to see, look at, inspect, perceive, consider, have vision, learn about, observe, watch, look upon, discern, distinguish, give attention to, to be seen or cause to see, to cause to look intently at, behold, cause to gaze at, to look at each other, face, to seize, dispossess, take possession off, inherit, disinherit, occupy, impoverish, be an heir, come to poverty, be poor, to cause to possess or inherit, to cause others to possess or inherit, to be pleased, be determined , to make acceptable, satisfy, to be accepted, to seek favour of, to make oneself acceptable or pleasing, to be pleased with, be favourable to, accept favourably, to hit the mark (of one discharging a javelin or arrow), to reach, attain, obtain, get, become master of, to happen, chance, fall out (to specify, to take a case, as for example), to meet one, of he who meets one or presents himself unsought, any chance, ordinary, common person, to chance to be, enjoyment

shout/sing for joy: to overcome, to be overcome, to cry out, shout for joy, give a ringing cry (in joy, exaltation, distress), to cry aloud (in summons, exhortation of wisdom), to cause to ring or sing out (for joy), rejoicing (participle)

Verses that are making me think about "joy"...
I Chronicles 16: 26-29
26For all the gods of the people are [lifeless] idols, but the Lord made the heavens. 27Honor and majesty are [found] in His presence; strength and joy are [found] in His sanctuary. 28Ascribe to the Lord, you families of the peoples, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength, 29Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name. Bring an offering and come before Him; worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness and in holy array.

Ezra 6:22
They kept the Feast of Unleavened Bread for seven days with joy, for the Lord had made them joyful and had turned the heart of the king of Assyria [referring to Darius king of Persia] to them, so that he strengthened their hands in the work of the house of God, the God of Israel.

Nehemiah 8: 10b
And be not grieved and depressed, for the joy of the Lord is your strength and stronghold.

Psalm 97:11-12
11Light is sown for the [uncompromisingly] righteous and strewn along their pathway, and joy for the upright in heart [the irrepressible joy which comes from consciousness of His favor and protection]. 12Rejoice in the Lord, you [consistently] righteous (upright and in right standing with God), and give thanks at the remembrance of His holiness.

2 Corinthians 8:2-4
2For in the midst of an ordeal of severe tribulation, their abundance of joy and their depth of poverty [together] have overflowed in wealth of lavish generosity on their part. 3For, as I can bear witness, [they gave] according to their ability, yes, and beyond their ability; and [they did it] voluntarily, 4Begging us most insistently for the favor and the fellowship of contributing in this ministration for [the relief and support of] the saints [in Jerusalem].

Hebrews 12: 10-13
10For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for only a short period of time and chastised us as seemed proper and good to them; but He disciplines us for our certain good, that we may become sharers in His own holiness. 11For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]. 12So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees,^(A) 13And cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured.

I still don't understand "joy" though I am convinced that the dictionary is wrong. Their definition is that it is an emotion but I've always been taught that "happiness" is the emotion because it is temporary..."joy," on the other hand, is permanent, a state of being. Now, my brain knows that but my heart is highly unsure then what "joy" is if it is not felt. How then is joy any different from hope, peace, or faith? Is a sense of peace really joy? Is there any feeling or sense that lets you know you are joyful? How do you know you have joy if there is no emotion or sense of it in the natural? Is joy wholly supernatural and never felt? If the opposite of joy is sorrow then how is joy different from happiness? If I am to command my soul to rejoice then am I to command my soul to have joy? Or can only God grant joy? What then does the "fullness of joy" (Ps. 16) look like? What does the joy set before me look like? Is that different than the hope of my calling? How do I trade sorrow for joy if I feel only heaviness, despair, dullness, and fatigue? Sure I have happy/good days from time to time but those are like the wind therefore that cannot be the same as "joy" if joy is a permanent state of being. If "in His presence is fullness of joy" then have I ever truly been in His presence?...

Amazing Poem

2007-01-10T12:56:00.000-05:00

I just have to tell people to check out Caitlin's poem on her myspace page. The link is on the sidebar. It's amazing. I am moved.

Sometimes I feel like Chicken Little...

2007-01-06T12:52:00.000-05:00

Matthew 23:37-39
37 “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing! 38 See! Your house is left to you desolate; 39 for I say to you, you shall see Me no more till you say, ‘Blessed is He who comes in the name of the LORD!’”

Tamara and I were reading this article last night. It makes me hopeful because the Jewish people are realizing that there is no amount of compromise or diplomacy that will result in peace. More and more Jews are coming to Christ! This article also gave me more of a sense of urgency b/c there are some big things about to happen...Iran on the road to being a nuclear nation, Egypt setting up all its military weaponry on the Suez Canal, Hamas and Hizbollah are more interested in killing Jews than helping Palestinians get a homeland, and there are alliances being forged in Arab nations and passivity tinged with hatred for the Jews brewing in the United Nations. How is it that some of the church in Burkina Faso gets that those who bless Israel, God will also bless and yet we don't get that here in the USA? Maybe I'm odd but my mother always taught me that there would never be true peace in Israel until Jesus returns and that when the USA turns its back on Israel we will lose all our prosperity and blessing that we take for granted.

After reading that article I want to truly understand the end times. You would think that having read Revelation and studied it as much as I have that I would have a lot more figured out than I do. My grandfather has given me his theory on the end times (the result of years and years of study). I've read and heard Mike Bickle preach on his theory of the end times which is very convincing as well. I've heard some preach on the end times or Revelation from the pulpit. I've done a lot of studying myself as well yet I know there are lots of things that still don't make sense to me or that I don't understand. I'm almost convinced of post-trib theology though pre-wrath is convincing as well. All I know anymore is that Pre-Trib is a lie. I have never found any proof of it scripturally and it was never preached by the early church nor will the persecuted church of today accept that doctrine. (I find that very telling!) Pre-Trib keeps the church from being ready. It gives her a false sense of security. No wonder scripture speaks of a great revival (yes!) but also a great falling away. Many in the Church will be offended b/c they will have to endure great persecution! I can't tell you how many people I've talked to that, upon hearing that I believe I will be martyred, are shocked when I explain that I do not believe it will happen in a foreign country but right here in the USA. It's so sad to think that so many are not preparing themselves for what is to come. I'm not saying I'm prepared either but I have been convicted that in order to be prepared I need to live the Sermon on the Mount lifestyle. I have never, even growing up in the church, been told that the Sermon on the Mount lifestyle is a required lifestyle of all believers. Never. I don't get how I never heard that. I don't understand how I ever heard the story of the wise and foolish builders outside of the context of the Sermon on the Mount when that is what it is directly speaking about. I'm reading the Word again and again finding things I never saw before. It's like I'm reading the Word with new eyes, eyes opened, blinders being removed (though I don't have full revelation or anything yet). Lord, have mercy! Continue to open my heart and my eyes to truth even when it is so hard to accept! I want to always have a heart of flesh not one of stone! It's so frustrating having grown up in the church b/c so often I feel like I know everything already! I want to be teachable, Lord! But God is continuing to open up my eyes, oddly enough lately on dictates of the Sermon on the Mount (even before I realized those concepts were in the Sermon on the Mount)...like fasting, giving, prayer, loving others. I have this desire to be other-worldly. After losing Sean, I began to realize even more how this world is not my home. I am tired of pursuing the elusive American dream. I am tired of the dictates of this world that make me more like Martha than Mary. I am tired of things that are temporal and no longer satisfy. I want to be meek and humble, b/c I am so easily offended right now it's sad. I want to be poor in spirit and pure of heart. I want to be unoffendable! I want to radiate Jesus! I want to be pure and blameless on the day of His returning. I want to gladly don His righteousness at the wedding feast! I want to bring my "talents" (how I spent my time, money & energy and how I used my decision-making ability and my influence) and hear "Well done, good and faithful servant!" I want to be one of the virgins who kept her oil (intimacy with God) and held it as more important than just having the lamp (ministry). I don't just want to be a Christian who worries about offending people. I want to be so Christ-like that people have the fear of the Lord strike their hearts and run to Him b/c they see Him in me. I want to be refined like silver that He might see His reflection in me. Oh, Lord, grant me patience to see this refining done Your way in Your time.

My reflections on Onething

2007-01-03T18:37:00.000-05:00

Ok. I think I was expecting God to just forget that He had taken me into the wilderness and decide to really speak to me. I just remember my mom coming back last year with these insights into what God wanted her to do next. I have no such insight. I was expecting a major download and nothing earthshattering occurred. I practically begged God to speak to me and of course the only phrase spoken to me was "Be still and know that I am God." It was fleeting and I almost didn't hear it but, yeah, it was definitely God. Apparently I am trying too hard. I really want to hear His voice and live by His voice and I worry so much about whether or not I am actually hearing Him or not. I think He's trying to tell me to chill...just to rest. He keeps bringing Isaiah 30:15 to mind: "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." So, what did I get out of Onething. First of all it was a blast to ring in the New Year with such joy and passion for Jesus! :o) Secondly there were several amazing teachings. Yes, I had heard some of the teachings before but I was able to glean new insight from those or remind myself of the truth about how God feels about me. Mike's teaching on the parable of the 10 virgins was awesome. Ever since God clarified the wedding feast parable for me I've been asking for understanding of the 10 virgins b/c I knew I didn't want to be one of the foolish ones! I was so grateful to God for such insight. I also gleaned much from Dana Candler's seminar "Embracing the Fasted Lifestyle" and Dwayne's message on the Sermon on the Mount. God has really been putting an urgency in my spirit to dive into the Sermon on the Mount, especially once I discovered that the story about the wise and foolish builders was referring directly to the Sermon on the Mount lifestyle! I cannot believe that growing up in the church I had never heard that parable preached in the context of the Sermon on the Mount. Amazing. So, anyway, Danny and I bought a book called "Elijah's Revolution" which I am really excited to read and we purchased Allen Hood's "The Uniqueness of the Last Generation". I know it's not going to be easy but I'm dying for holiness. I'm yearning for it. Plus, my heart is stirred by something Misty sang at Onething "I'm in love with God and God is in love with me." I just wanted to weep when I sang those words b/c it is so amazing. Perhaps some of the terminology used in SOS made it harder for my heart to be tenderized to it (like I don't use "ravished" on a daily basis) but in such simple words I was deeply moved...plus the idea of marrying God is completely rocking my world. I cannot wrap my mortal mind around that. I am really hopeful that more people will get involved with IHOP-FW b/c of this conference but my realistic side highly doubts it. ::sigh:: I do not want to despise the day of small things! (I do but I don't want the prayer room packed but I really want people to rise up as worship leaders and prophetic singers and musicians so we can have more hours in the prayer room. I also want more people to help with the responsibilities so no one can say that the ministry work keeps them from the prayer room.) Oh, Lord, help me to be patient for your foundations to be laid. I feel like a racehorse right before the race begins...ansy to get running...grant peace to my spirit that I might wait for You and therefore be able to run with horses and not be wearied.

Wilderness

2006-12-25T00:16:00.000-05:00

So I'm pondering this wilderness/night season. I'm realizing that there is much more about this in scripture than I ever noticed before. So my thoughts are overflowing...for example, how did John the Baptist learn to have joy in the wilderness? How did the Beloved in Song of Songs get to the point where she could state in confidence "I am my beloved's and His desire is for me." How did she get to the point where she could welcome the night season?! How did Job get to the point where he could say "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him?" I am so not there yet but I want to be. I don't know that it would make this night season any easier on me but I want it to be worthwhile...in other words, I want to learn what I am supposed to be learning in this night season. I wish I understood His ways. I want to understand His ways! I want to know what it is He is doing in me during this season. I guess I'll see the end result and hopefully then I'll get it to some degree. He doesn't seem to be acting much like a lover right now. He's just gone. I feel like my soul is in Sheol. I'm holding to promises right now...I'm holding fast...I need faith. Lots of it!

I think the more I read Psalm 16 the more I realize that this should be my life psalm. I'm clinging to verses 7-11.

Psalm 16 (Amplified Bible - Thank you, Holly! I love you!)

A Poem of David; [probably] intended to record memorable thoughts.

1KEEP and protect me, O God, for in You I have found refuge, and in You do I put my trust and hide myself.

2I say to the Lord, You are my Lord; I have no good beside or beyond You.

3As for the godly (the saints) who are in the land, they are the excellent, the noble, and the glorious, in whom is all my delight.

4Their sorrows shall be multiplied who choose another god; their drink offerings of blood will I not offer or take their names upon my lips.

5The Lord is my chosen and assigned portion, my cup; You hold and maintain my lot.

6The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; yes, I have a good heritage.

7I will bless the Lord, Who has given me counsel; yes, my heart instructs me in the night seasons.

8I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.

9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory [my inner self] rejoices; my body too shall rest and confidently dwell in safety (hope),

10For You will not abandon me to Sheol (the place of the dead), neither will You suffer Your holy one [Holy One] to see corruption.

11You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore.

Am I hungry enough?

2006-12-20T17:42:00.000-05:00

Am I hungry enough? Would I truly be content to just gaze upon the beauty of the Lord? If I never heard His voice, never got a prophetic word, never had a dream, a vision, or even a picture...would I still want to seek Him? If meditating on the Word felt like eating sand and my words seemed to hit the ceiling...would I continue in my pursuit of Him? Am I really hungry for God or am I just saying it to seem radical or fit in?

Am I really hungry? How do I know? What is the proof? Am I content to sit outside the gates and simply listen to Him breathe? Am I content to worship daily without receiving anything from God in return? Am I content to pursue Him without hope of catching Him?

Am I content to live in the wilderness? Am I content to weep without hope of relief? Am I content with too little? Or do I ask too much?

I don't deserve more than Hell. I don't deserve to be clothed as a lily nor fed as a sparrow. Why then do I yearn for more? Why then am I not content with His provision and the honor of sitting in His presence? Why am I not satisfied with anything less than everything...the fullness of Him?

If I am so undeserving why then do I crave more? Do I need to stop asking? Am I a beggar or a daughter? Who am I that I should be called a daughter of the Most High God? How can I be satisfied with the mere pursuit of God and not the finding of Him?

Is it wrong to be envious of my brothers and sister? You speak to them! They have pictures, words, insights, revelation! They have dreams and visions! Why not me?

Though I deserve nothing but silence, I ask, "Abba, speak to me!" Though I deserve nothing but desert, I ask, "Abba, quench my thirst. Feed me bread from Your hand." Though I deserve nothing short of eternal separation, I ask,"Abba, show me Your glory! Show me Your face! Stare into my eyes until Your fire consumes me!"

How can I walk as a daughter if I can't hear Your voice?

Hope

2006-12-20T17:23:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure I like hope. Either you lay hope on the altar and yet hope God provides an alternative or you try to lose hope but can't because you still hope it might come true.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. - Prov. 13:12

Today has been rough...to say the least. I've been wrestling today. My eyes and head ache from weeping. I'm emotionally spent. I don't so much like the wilderness and I don't so much like the dark night. But somehow I have to rest in hope and trust that my Beloved is good and He will not leave my soul in Sheol. Yet that does not mean I will ever see my hopes fulfilled. So what then does it mean... That I rest in the knowledge that He is enough and all my suffering and pain is for His glory? At this particular moment that is not a comforting thought. Maybe I'm just greedy but I don't really like being barren in the wilderness. Plus I don't think that He would make me promises He doesn't intend to keep. Like Abraham, if I am to sacrifice this promise on the altar then I must have faith that God can provide an alternative or resurrect the dream. I honestly just don't want to be as old as Sarai or Elizabeth when it happens to be honest. Yet birthing a dream is a journey to and just as the hope gets bigger the greater the sorry when it dies and the greater the fear each subsquent attempt. I really don't like this place at all. I'm tired of crying...

From John Eldredge...

2006-12-19T22:34:00.000-05:00

I can't take credit for writing it but I think it is vital to share.

"I’ve come to notice over the years that I need to pray over Christmas. Seems silly, but then again, our joy is opposed and the enemy hates us celebrating Jesus in any form, hates the love of friends and families, hates hopefulness. So, a heads up: Do pray for your Christmas, and the days around it. I want it to be good for you. Pray for us as well, that our staff is filled with the joy of God, that our days are protected.

It’s the third week of Advent, and with that I am thinking about Jesus’ next Advent, that is, his coming again. I was sharing with some folks yesterday that back in the ‘70s, when I became a Christian, it seemed like talk about Jesus’ return was pretty common. I thought it was a central part of the Christian life, the hope of Christ coming back. But the years passed, and folks don’t seem to talk about Jesus coming back hardly at all anymore. I don’t think its been good for our hearts. Our hopes are too short-range, and vulnerable. Just as our faith needs to be anchored in the fact that he did come for us, and not constantly held up for question with each new turn of events (will he come now?), so our hope needs to rest in the fact that he is coming again, and will usher in a Kingdom that fulfills all our deepest longings and then some. As George MacDonald wrote, “We may say to ourselves, one day these souls of ours will blossom into the full sunshine, when all that is desirable in the commonness of daily love, and all we long for of wonder and mystery and the look of Christmastime will be joined in one, and we shall walk as in a wondrous dream yet with more sense of reality than most of our waking joy now gives us.” So, I’m letting this Advent season be a time to reflect on his first coming, and on his second. Christmas is beautiful because it speaks of the coming Kingdom."

The depths

2006-12-19T17:13:00.000-05:00

I didn't know there was so much to Google! I am amazed.

I'm not sure how this will work out now that I seem to have two blogs but we shall see how this experiment ends up...

God is so good. I cannot wait to see what this new year holds. Is it bad that I'm not nearly as excited about Christmas as I am about going to the Onething conference? Maybe it's because God has been convicting me about how important "stuff" is to me. I love getting together with family but this year has been a bit of a bummer thus far because half of my family didn't come to our Wiegand Christmas (of course the 1/2 I never see!) and my Carter grandparents are not doing well and may be going home soon. It's just a little sad and frustrating this Christmas. I'm very much looking forward to all that God has for us in 2007...not because I am unsatisfied with 2006 but rather I just have this sense of expectancy that big things are coming. I'm enjoying this new desire to pursue God wholeheartedly.

I wait in expectancy for Your glory to come down, Lord! I want to see Your glory!